Manage
by Niveously
Summary: Michelangelo's trying to survive.


The raspy gravel underneath my boots felt heavy, and the dry air made me shiver.

I pulled my coat tighter around me. Fall was a fact; the leaves had turned red and yellow, and it felt like a constant cloud over my head wherever I went.

I raised my head and took a deep breath. I knew you were laying there; all I needed to do was to turn around. You were right behind me.

I clenched my fists and tried to swallow away the sour feeling in my throat.

We managed, but it wasn't easy. Donnie did the best he could, cheering us up and all. Though, I saw it in his eyes, too. He tried to be the one kind of taking your place. That sounds bad, but you get the point. He tried to be the grown up, you know?

And Raph… Well, at first, he disappeared. But he came back. And believe it or not, but he's actually at home right now, helping out. He makes us dinner – I won't be saying that it's eatable – and is struggling to keep his feelings inside. I can only imagine how hard it must be for him; he's the emotional one of us, after all.

I feel kind of bad, to be honest. It's like they're trying so hard because of me, trying to act as if everything's normal. It's like… They think that I'm going to break down if I sense a tiny bit of sadness in the world.

It would feel better if they just cried, screamed, fought… Whatever.

I won't be blaming them, though. They're doing what they think is right, and as long as they want to keep doing that, I will let them.

I sighed and licked my lips. The thought of you made someone clench my heart in a death grip. I think it's clear to everyone that I loved you, even more than anyone else, if possible, but… Not only as my brother.

You were my best friend. We played games together, practiced together, fought together and laughed together. I don't think anyone in the entire world has been through so much stuff with one single person as I've been with you.

And you were my lover. It was without drama, without jealousy – okay, maybe not entirely, but I always thought you were even more attractive being a bit pissed and all –, and without fights. We held hands when no one saw us, and you used to steal a kiss behind the couch when the others were watching TV. You smiled at my silly ideas, and you hugged me when everyone else was ignoring me.

And at night, when I couldn't sleep, I used to crawl into your bed and you would just hold me closely and whisper soft words in my ear. Sometimes, it knocked me out in seconds, just because you made me feel so secure and loved.

And sometimes, it turned into soft touches on my neck and light kisses on my shoulders. I would touch your strong arms, and you used to turn me on my back and place yourself between my legs. Your lips on my chest and the low grunts you made when you couldn't keep silent…

I hiccupped and dried a tear from the corner of my eye. I pulled my hat further down in front of my face, and slowly turned around. I knew you were right in front of me. I could see two roses; one red and one purple, but I didn't dare to look further up. Tears were now streaming down my face, and I gritted my teeth.

I doubted that I would be able to actually live without you. Exist, yes. But never live.

Something broke inside of me when I forced myself to look at that goddamned tombstone. Your name was carved in there, and your two katanas were placed under the two flowers. I didn't even try to hide a whimper. It hurt just to be here, just to look at that stone.

I faced the sky and then closed my eyes when I felt the first drip of water on my cheek.

It was so unfair; why…, you?

I squatted, placed my arms on my knees and buried my face in the fabric of the coat. I hiccupped once again and couldn't control my own breathing. I began sobbing violently and clenched my fists as hard as I could. It felt like I was being…, dissolved. Like I was being forced open and thrown away. I had absolutely nothing to hold on to, there was nothing that kept me down on earth. No light.

I knew that my voice was going to crack, even if I kept it as a mere whisper. But I spoke. For the first time since you passed away.

- I miss you, Leo.


End file.
